Today is a lonely day for me. I feel empty. As i walked i felt nothing for the people at which i attempted to smile (an act of bravery in the city). I felt not joy, not compassion, not sorrow....and yet this day shall pass and perhaps tommorow i will feel revitalized...
it seems i am living too much on hope.
but why? i have so many blessings.
i am trying to have patience. yes there is so much i would like to change about now... like living in the city, my "relationship" with my partner. I guess the real thing is that i dont feel like my true self is being allowed to be expressed in this current situation. it is too safe, to comfortable. in such a state the dust may gather.
i am growing, learning from these new experiences and it is in this that i find faith for the future. for surely if i am growing it must be a good thing. is there a wrong direction to grow?
perhaps now it is time for my roots to grow. but i miss the reaching for light. i miss the depth of emotion , of feeling.
i have deep rooted fears of getting stuck. when i was younger i had a reoccuring dream where everything around me was large and indistinguishable, and there was so much pressure pushing on me all around. i would wake with this odd tingling through my body and mind. it was dreadful though in words it soudns mild.
i have grown up with adults who are stuck (or so i deem them). and i wonder do they know it? when did it happen? when did they give up or is it more accurate to say, forget?
my hopes and goals for this year are to live more balanced in spirit, body, mind, emotion... and these seem to go welll with my current position as a stay at home mom as there is so much time for reflection. the thing is you are interupted so much its hard to tackle anything.
being a stay at home mom is hard. as any mother will tell you. the demands on you to give and give and give.... but the rewards are great though they often have no form to be mearsured.
i read something this morning on aylas blog(mother lover goddess) which said that only when we are truly emptied can we begin to receive. perhaps this emptying of mine is necessary.
i have let go of the delicious anguish of my "adolescence" and where i am now is much more subtle. a quality very like a mother, round, soft, tender, whispered loves and kisses. subtle and rich at the same time. rich like our passion, our strength, our blood.
anyways little one calls, hope this wasnt too all over the place for you (or mopy),
i leave with this
sometimes we are thinking too much but not deeply enough and almost always a deep breath guides us back.
these are some pictures of some angels made from roving wool that i made. im going to make a few more different colors and then put them on a mobile for my sisters 2nd birthday which is coming up. instructions can be found on simmys website (the is with the blogs i read).
and here is a curious little one who is all feeling. so full of life... as i was, as we all are in our true form
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