i am from

i scooped this little excercise from another moms blog (sorry i cant remember whose)
you start with the words "i am from" and see where it takes you

here is where i went, free flown

i am from love from freedom from happiness without...

border boundries none of that for me. i am boundless endless deep dark red. i am light. i am fading night. i am from mountains across feathered moons. i am the goddess of humility and humanity who shines upon you.
temptaion knows not the way of wretched heart breaking or how mine broke when you took what you needed and left me lying, no hand to help me up

i am from oceans whose waters pound and expel hope and hopelessness alike. that wash me from myself and bring me to a depth without a height.

i am from shadow and mystery from spells cast in wishes. and leaving there i found berries ripe for my picking.

i am from you and burst into life by the sweet smell of your neck when youve awoke from wherever you came.

i am from laughters end and hatreds start. the vanquished and the wandering. and as i reach my head, the utmost topest part, i turn and flow back down again. away and awash with new goals new longings.

i am from her and from him and their love. i am from there growing hate and distaste. i am from nowhere in all abandonment. a babe comforting my mother, my father, as they eat and eat and eat.

i am from here where i have grown and lost and sought to lose. and i am trying to make my great escape. so that i dont have to whisper or walk tiptoe or pretend i believe your fine and doing great at waht you do.

i am from love and that will have to do

a rather blustery day

Two soft bellies, leaning into one another, wanting to be close, enough to feel the others presence. Today is a lonely day for me. I feel empty. As i walked i felt nothing for the people at which i attempted to smile (an act of bravery in the city). I felt not joy, not compassion, not sorrow....
and yet this day shall pass and perhaps tommorow i will feel revitalized...
it seems i am living too much on hope.
but why? i have so many blessings.
i am trying to have patience. yes there is so much i would like to change about now... like living in the city, my "relationship" with my partner. I guess the real thing is that i dont feel like my true self is being allowed to be expressed in this current situation. it is too safe, to comfortable. in such a state the dust may gather.
i am growing, learning from these new experiences and it is in this that i find faith for the future. for surely if i am growing it must be a good thing. is there a wrong direction to grow?
perhaps now it is time for my roots to grow. but i miss the reaching for light. i miss the depth of emotion , of feeling.
i have deep rooted fears of getting stuck. when i was younger i had a reoccuring dream where everything around me was large and indistinguishable, and there was so much pressure pushing on me all around. i would wake with this odd tingling through my body and mind. it was dreadful though in words it soudns mild.
i have grown up with adults who are stuck (or so i deem them). and i wonder do they know it? when did it happen? when did they give up or is it more accurate to say, forget?
my hopes and goals for this year are to live more balanced in spirit, body, mind, emotion... and these seem to go welll with my current position as a stay at home mom as there is so much time for reflection. the thing is you are interupted so much its hard to tackle anything.
being a stay at home mom is hard. as any mother will tell you. the demands on you to give and give and give.... but the rewards are great though they often have no form to be mearsured.
i read something this morning on aylas blog(mother lover goddess) which said that only when we are truly emptied can we begin to receive. perhaps this emptying of mine is necessary.
i have let go of the delicious anguish of my "adolescence" and where i am now is much more subtle. a quality very like a mother, round, soft, tender, whispered loves and kisses. subtle and rich at the same time. rich like our passion, our strength, our blood.
anyways little one calls, hope this wasnt too all over the place for you (or mopy),
i leave with this
sometimes we are thinking too much but not deeply enough and almost always a deep breath guides us back.

these are some pictures of some angels made from roving wool that i made. im going to make a few more different colors and then put them on a mobile for my sisters 2nd birthday which is coming up. instructions can be found on simmys website (the is with the blogs i read).

and here is a curious little one who is all feeling. so full of life... as i was, as we all are in our true form

dee blog begins

but how? what is a blog anyways. a journal? a sharing of information? a way to connect...
i suppose i am feeling a little bit unsure. im thinking, is my life really interesting enough for people to want to read about it?
is this for others or for myself? and what do i want to get out of it?
the answer....i want to share.
i believe the internet is fundamental to our evolution. it is a bridge between land and mind. i believe its purpose is to teach us of the universal mind. that we are all connected, that each thought is passed through all of us (our thoughts are therefore not only ours) that we have been part of every great idea and every deplorable indiscretion. we are not alone. the internet is the beginning. the internet seems to contain every conceivable idea, truth and fiction... and so it is in each of us, acess to all knowledge is there. this why we are each buddahs, each god, not only do we hold all the answers we are all the answers.
at my most exspecially "high" moments i have seen that truth can be found in anything. that the story of the universe is waiting to be told if you look closely enough.
at my most "high" moments i have known that everything is a sign pointing to some truth.
and sometimes i would like to just sit down and pin it all down, understand it all, but truth doesnt work like that... its something you cant hold onto. like love, it flows
but this is me, this kind of stuff is what i live for, it is how i live, and i hope one day to be a lot better at it.
i love spotting "coincidences". just the other day rich was reading to me about why the sky is blue (because light passing through anything get absorbed or reflected, the wavelength that is reflected is the color our eyes perceive.. im pretty sure thats right :). The next day i heard this on the radio and later when picking up a pyschology book i randomly opened this page.
when this happens with such small things i wonder, what is going on right now? what is the meaning of these "coincidences"? is this a particularly powerfull time for me?
now if only i listened to myself.
but with all the selves i possess its hard to know which one is telling the truth... however i do feel that in the trials of the last few years i have become closer to the one that is true and speak from this place more.
i read somewhere that there are 3 different selves:
1. the observer self:
a self that watches rather than engages in the dramas of the mind. notices the difference between the other two selves and can be used to find clarity and step back
2. the higher self:
infinitly wise, inspiring and positive
3. gremlin self
offers bad advice, puts you down, tries to lift you up through ego iniflation, contains alot of fear
the woman who wrote about these selves than goes onto to say that we are neither of these. we are somewhere, experiencing all of them. choosing which one we wish to be....
ahh well i am nicely tired now, richard is camping for the last two nights and it has been good for me to have some space from him... it can be hard to live with another. to get angry at them for no reason really. i sometimes wonder if it is worth the compromise. i have compromised too much of myself in the past. i am trying to be strong now and listen to how i truly feel.
but we have amon together and it is nice to laugh and be able to depend on his support... we shall see, either way i hope for us to continue to live together. id like to have my own room one day
a room of ones own
things like that are wonderfully alive to me. little secrets of your own. ive felt like that since i was a child and would start little notebooks wishing i had something special to write...
if anyone has read this i hope you have enjoyed it and i send a big breath and smile your way

a welcome world

I welcome you to this place and i welcome myself as well.
I only just discovered blogging. being a stay at home mom i have been feeling disconnected in more than one sense. i especially wish for a community of mothers to connect and share with (hell id settle for one). i really do feel that it is such a shame not to have this, for me and the little one.
i am hopefull that in the future i will discover and be part of a rich community.
for now though, i am thankfull to have found some really amazing womens blogs. i am inspired, i learn and i gain a feeling of having shared. it is great to be sharing with you.
here i will be honest and release what needs to be released. keep myself inspired and rejoice in the fortune of this life.

here is a little information about me (in case your as curious as i am):
i am a young mother (young for this day in age). Amon (meaning hidden one in ancient egyptien and teacher/builder in hebrew) was born 6 months ago at a beautiful and powerful home birth. i felt so strong, able to do anything. i felt reborn myself. stretching out beside him, light as a feather, seeing with new eyes, everything so big.
my mind clear! sensing without disection
oh it was amazing and i hope all woman will leave behind their fears and discover the beauty and importance of natural birth. how it prepares you for the immensity of motherhood.

(sweet surrender)

(ahhhh so good to be alive)
amon, richard (my partner and amons father) and i live in a city in ontario canada. city living for me is the pits (no finer way to disconnect i say). richard works at a okay paying outdoor retailer. we rent the top floor apartment of my dads house... oh boy eh. we feel very blessed though as we get a good price and it is a good size for us.
we have dreams of moving out west to bc and both of us want to go to school.
rich for parks and recreation (hes a outdoor enthusiast! as they say) and i hope to become a teacher for waldorf (or waldorf like) schools
well the little one sleeps and i feel like these past few hours are the longest ive had to myself in a while. thats it for now....
breath deep seek peace