true love

happy valentines day...

a holiday that always seems to come out of the blue. i remember when i was young exchanging those bought little cartoon valentines. and how you had to work within the confines of the few sentiments that they expressed... making sure that people didnt get the wrong message and choosing especially good ones for your friends and your crush.

this day brings me to thoughts of my first love, my first real boyfriend, my high school sweetheart, back in the days of sweet 16. the guy i cried over for over a year... and sometimes, though less and less now, still do

my mom recently brought him up and asked me if i still love him. without hesitation i said yes, though i didnt know i would.

its been maybe 6 years! an enormous amount of time.

he broke my heart. i literally felt it shatter. i let it break and it took me 3 years to take it back and maybe he'll always have a part of it.

ahhh but the kisses....

do you think that you can't choose who you love? do you believe in soul mates? do you believe you have one great love and thats it?

today on the radio, i listened as couple told their story of falling in love and then being torn apart only to come back together after 45 year. He is my soul mate she said. And people say that, people fall in love deeply. Who are the people that are so deeply in love together, that are soul mates? i dont know them.

It made me look, almost in shock, at my own giving up on "true love". that i seem not to believe in my own soul mate. i don't dream of one as i did when i was younger, and i don't long for my lost love as i once did.

Sometimes i feel the need to long for him. i try to capture the deep pulling of my heart that i used to feel so easily, so frequently. i can still feel it, but it seems to not be directed or due to him. perhaps it is the longing of my soul for love. for the bliss of true love....

me and richard will go out tonight. a special valentine date... and i try not to think it, but it means little to me. he is not my true love, i love him but we are not IN love....

i used to be all about this kind of thing. yearning, passionate longing. love that sweeps you away. i feel that i forced myself to realize that love is not a vow, not something you say or pledge. it surrounds us always. i think of love now as one and the same as god/goddess/earth. as i tried to mend my heart in those years i forced myself to come to a place where i could see that perhaps my longing was not for him but for something greater. perhaps my longing was simply a way of keeping myself distracted. keeping myself focused in this reality.

and perhaps the heart break was a way of bringing me to what was real. beyond human emotion, desire, torment.

perhaps, through the hearts painful piercing

which allows sorrow and uncertainity to enter

feathers are slowly born

until wings are formed

and one day they catch wind

which tells the heart it is time

and with the wind they lift that heavy heart

off the groud and into the sky

so that in flight it may release

all that has kept it hard dark

and heal

shedding all

perhaps even its wings

but then there is this little one. Truly the love of my life. I have never known a love so full, so intimate, and so sensual

love? what do i think about love? i eat it!

I Spy with my great eye--- mind seeing!

try this! lie down with someone, it could be anyone but i think it will work best with someone you are really connected to. lie in a dark room (I think this is helpful to get the hang of it). Both people shut their eyes and one person visulizes a shape (we started with a circle, triangle, or square) the other person keeps their mind open to receiving. It is amazing how clearly and quickly me and my brother were perceiving the shape the other sent. we then went onto the rainbow colors (red,yellow,orange,blue,green,pink and purple) and this was even tripier. we then combined them (ex. blue square)

it was very awesome. a way of proving that our minds are all connected. it also is a way of developing seeing abilities and improving concentration as you have to focus on holding the image, sending it to the other person and as a receiver you have to remain open, trust what you are seeing. we realized there is a big difference between seeing and guessing.

try it out, i am excited to practice this with amon and me and nico (my brother) are going to keep going, we'll work up to words next and geeze who knows where we could get....

the possibilities are limitless.


also just wanted to write a bit about last nights protest. it was put on by the PGA (people global action) which is an anarchist group. there were only about 40 ppl there, we marched down some main downtown streets, cops ahead and in tow. me and amons first protest! i enjoyed it but it seemed rather ineffective as it was mainly young, "punky" looking people wearing black, the mention of future violence in protest was also announced a few times. for me id rather be part of something inclusive to everyone. also i dont believe violence will ever bring about true change.
i will definitly support futhur of their protest and i want to find other organizations to become involved with.
there truly is a reVOLution going on but for me it feels like it is more about us all evolving into more concious beings. so ya its quieter and even slower.... im looking for a way to live my revolution with some like minded beings
things they are a changing

thats us about to get warmed up in the bath

coeurage, faith and inspiration to you
"we are a cicle, within a circle, with no beginning and never ending"

Blankets for Land. A bargain indeed!

Picture of Buffy Sainte-Marie. Watch the video of her singing My Country 'Tis of Thy People You're Dyiny. It is... beyond words and is stuck in my mind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl08n8_b3Sw Sorry but i dont know how to download videos.

Tonight there will be a protest against the 2010 Olympics which are to take place in British Columbia Canada. There are many issues and I am kind of new to the game but I do know that people (many of whom are native) are being kicked out of low income houses as rent increases and condos are being built in their place. Also massive amounts of money are being spent when this money could go to cleaning up B.C. and helping the huge amount of poor and desperate. Instead mass areas of land are being destroyed in building ski resorts and highways. I also now know that no treaty was ever signed my most of the First Nation tribes in the province of "bc" and they consider the land theres, that it is stolen land.

So I will be going tonight and I hope that it isnt too cold but it looks like it will be as right now it is -24. Amon will be inside my jacket in a carrier so we should be good for a few hours.

I hope there will be alot of people but I wonder how many really know the issues. The flyers advertising the protest say "No 2010 olympics on stolen native land" which i find might keep many people from looking into it.

Because this is the thing. I am a white woman. Most of the people on this land of Turtle Island or Canada are not native. I believe this an occupied land, and that this government demands the Native people submit and be swallowed whole. I know that the Native people have been stolen from, have been beaten, raped, tricked all for being this lands guardians.

Because i am white i feel i am somehow part of those who came and conquered. Do i say sorry? though it was not i who did this not even my ancestors. And do we owe a debt for what our ancestors have done? I believe that though i am not Native now, I too have been raped, murdured, left in ruins. But i too have been the murdurer, the rapist, the destroyer.

So what is left of us? Of this country of many, the melting pot. Should this land be given to the Natives, returned to them as its guardians? I like to think that there would be peace than, that there would be an end to persucution to racism. But is a return to the past a solution? To create a new system, a superior few? But perhaps all the First Nations want is whats left of the wilderness and perhaps theyll protect it as our goverment fails to do.

And I, a Canadian will have nothing left and so it seems Im in a precarious position. For I am not a Native nor am I am part of societys greedy, hoarding mass... and I only want peace, that freedom should reign.

in such a position as mine, with seemingly no culture to inherit, i take from all, i accept all, finding what i see as truth in each. is this the way of the future. one day when asked where we are from we will say "i am from earth, i am from the human nation" why one day? why not today?

this land is not the Natives, it belongs to itself and must be returned rightfully. And I hope I will be there when this is done, to see and to know how this is possible. For now their is war between these different nations but one side is fighting for freedom and so I will join them and perhaps we will be brothers and sisters and we will fight off this government that is pretending to rule in our name. For I believe the average Canadian wants peace, freedom in this beautiful country.

"...the human world is growing restless in its sleep"

a mixed pot

"the tooth fairy teaches children to sell their bodies"

a quote i found on another moms blog. i love it.

one of the things i really enjoy about being a mother is also one of the hardest. you have to be so vigilant. i realize that amon is this totally beautiful pure being and i want to let him stay that way. i dont want to tell him what is right and what is bad. i want him to find these things out for himself. i dont want to tell what he has to do. instead i want to encourage him in what i see as a good direction remembering i may be wrong. i want him to keep that awareness that is our birthright. i see so many parents mindlessly going about parenting. giving and reacting to their children in ways they are told, shown, is correct. but what i love about this parenting thing is that you HAVE TO question everything. to tell him no, to tell him about santa clause, vacines, what he eats, birthing, hygiene, down to the toys he plays with, everything has to be examined and its truth be found. "is this what is really best for him, what does this teach him?"

it also enables me to stay in the moment with him and learn more and more how to go with my own truth. and though it seems sometimes overwhelming (especially at first when they are so godly and your so fragile and you want to make everything perfect for them), but really it is a process of learning for both of you. constant revelation.

amon is growing so much. he is so curious and gentle (though his favorite kind of play is wild stuff, like swinging about and monster tickles). he is doing this thing with his hand. he turns his wrist in circles and watches intently than brings his hand to meet his other hand. it reminds me of a bird landing and he seems to stroke it, feeling it, meeting it.

owwee and this is the most amazing gift of a little one, such awareness, catching your attention, slowing you down, inspiring such love

last night we watched a movie which was quite captivating. Saving Dawn is based on the true story of an american pilot who goes down in vietnam and is trapped there. i know, not another american war movie, but christian bale was the main character and he is very good. It reminded me of a book i read "twenty years in a dessert jail" is the autobiography of a woman imprisoned with her brother,mother and sisters for 20 years because their father tried to assasinate the king. it took place maybe 20 years ago or so in morrocco. its a beautiful story. when i am brought from my life to think of others in such horrible conditions i feel that i am so fortunate and i try to appreciate it, and i feel this pressing need to live fully, to live simply, to find a way, my way to make this world a better place. after all "man is not an island".

this is a beautiful view i had walking. but i find it amost impossible to appreciate in the busy loud city. today i got so excited thinking about when we will be moving out west to the lovely hippie town of nelson BC. oh what will be ofr us i wonder? i heard on the radio an metaphor thouhg not exactly beautiful seemed very suiting to what i need to remember 'life can be compared to a game of pool, one can only take ones best shot and hope, after that the bass will go where they will go' so when life is seeming very overwhelming and you dont know where to begin or how anything you do will ever really matter just start with a small step, doing your best with whatever touches you, the rest will follow and you never know the impact that one ball could have on all the others.

hope your not too cheesed out! Enjoy your day brothers and sisters...

ps. here are some pictures of alittle knome i made the other night and the finished angel mobile for my little sister

s is for...

wonderful window stars that make your home so cozy. instructions can be found on the wonderfully crafty, simmy's blog.




cute and tinkling star babies

Skating! (kind of a cheezy picture, youd never know I am holding on to keep from falling)

baking up something good

mmmm banana bread and no sugar!

and homemade granola!

we have decided to give up sugar for the 40 days of lent. Lent is supposed to be a time of fasting and prayer for christians . it represents the 40 days jesus spent in the desert. we are not religious but we have been eating way too many sweets lately and i believe that when something is done by so many people at the same time over so many years it gathers a certain force. also i am a fan of traditions, ceremonies. they can be very enriching.

i think eating very little sugar will be something that sticks around as it is a much healthier choice. im happy to see us improving in our decisions regarding what we allow into our life. amon being born has really brought into clear focus the idea of living what you believe. because it seems to me that many don't live as they preach. I suppose we are all hyprocrites at times but the important thing is to try, to do your best.

just in the last year the ideas of eating organic, non-gmo, recycling, anti-plastic, homemade, low sugar, no yeast, local produce, exclusive breast feeding, balanced body mind spirit ect. have gone from aspirations to being more and more a daily reality. choices made.

it is enjoyable to see as i get older that the way i envisioned myself being/living slowly becomes reality, though that vision is constantly evolving.

how we imagine ourselves, the dreams we hold in our hearts for us and our families, eventually become reality.

Banana bread recipe

three quater cup of honey

3 bananas

1 third cup unsweetened apple sauce

1 quarter cup butter (or less or none)

1 egg (or none)

1 three quater cup whole wheat flour

half teaspoon baking soda

half cup raisins

half cup pumpkin sees (or another kind of seed or nut)

1 teaspoon vanilla

mix it all up and bake it for an hour or more at 350 degrees fareheit. verwee easyyy

i am from

i scooped this little excercise from another moms blog (sorry i cant remember whose)
you start with the words "i am from" and see where it takes you

here is where i went, free flown

i am from love from freedom from happiness without...

border boundries none of that for me. i am boundless endless deep dark red. i am light. i am fading night. i am from mountains across feathered moons. i am the goddess of humility and humanity who shines upon you.
temptaion knows not the way of wretched heart breaking or how mine broke when you took what you needed and left me lying, no hand to help me up

i am from oceans whose waters pound and expel hope and hopelessness alike. that wash me from myself and bring me to a depth without a height.

i am from shadow and mystery from spells cast in wishes. and leaving there i found berries ripe for my picking.

i am from you and burst into life by the sweet smell of your neck when youve awoke from wherever you came.

i am from laughters end and hatreds start. the vanquished and the wandering. and as i reach my head, the utmost topest part, i turn and flow back down again. away and awash with new goals new longings.

i am from her and from him and their love. i am from there growing hate and distaste. i am from nowhere in all abandonment. a babe comforting my mother, my father, as they eat and eat and eat.

i am from here where i have grown and lost and sought to lose. and i am trying to make my great escape. so that i dont have to whisper or walk tiptoe or pretend i believe your fine and doing great at waht you do.

i am from love and that will have to do

a rather blustery day

Two soft bellies, leaning into one another, wanting to be close, enough to feel the others presence. Today is a lonely day for me. I feel empty. As i walked i felt nothing for the people at which i attempted to smile (an act of bravery in the city). I felt not joy, not compassion, not sorrow....
and yet this day shall pass and perhaps tommorow i will feel revitalized...
it seems i am living too much on hope.
but why? i have so many blessings.
i am trying to have patience. yes there is so much i would like to change about now... like living in the city, my "relationship" with my partner. I guess the real thing is that i dont feel like my true self is being allowed to be expressed in this current situation. it is too safe, to comfortable. in such a state the dust may gather.
i am growing, learning from these new experiences and it is in this that i find faith for the future. for surely if i am growing it must be a good thing. is there a wrong direction to grow?
perhaps now it is time for my roots to grow. but i miss the reaching for light. i miss the depth of emotion , of feeling.
i have deep rooted fears of getting stuck. when i was younger i had a reoccuring dream where everything around me was large and indistinguishable, and there was so much pressure pushing on me all around. i would wake with this odd tingling through my body and mind. it was dreadful though in words it soudns mild.
i have grown up with adults who are stuck (or so i deem them). and i wonder do they know it? when did it happen? when did they give up or is it more accurate to say, forget?
my hopes and goals for this year are to live more balanced in spirit, body, mind, emotion... and these seem to go welll with my current position as a stay at home mom as there is so much time for reflection. the thing is you are interupted so much its hard to tackle anything.
being a stay at home mom is hard. as any mother will tell you. the demands on you to give and give and give.... but the rewards are great though they often have no form to be mearsured.
i read something this morning on aylas blog(mother lover goddess) which said that only when we are truly emptied can we begin to receive. perhaps this emptying of mine is necessary.
i have let go of the delicious anguish of my "adolescence" and where i am now is much more subtle. a quality very like a mother, round, soft, tender, whispered loves and kisses. subtle and rich at the same time. rich like our passion, our strength, our blood.
anyways little one calls, hope this wasnt too all over the place for you (or mopy),
i leave with this
sometimes we are thinking too much but not deeply enough and almost always a deep breath guides us back.

these are some pictures of some angels made from roving wool that i made. im going to make a few more different colors and then put them on a mobile for my sisters 2nd birthday which is coming up. instructions can be found on simmys website (the is with the blogs i read).

and here is a curious little one who is all feeling. so full of life... as i was, as we all are in our true form

dee blog begins

but how? what is a blog anyways. a journal? a sharing of information? a way to connect...
i suppose i am feeling a little bit unsure. im thinking, is my life really interesting enough for people to want to read about it?
is this for others or for myself? and what do i want to get out of it?
the answer....i want to share.
i believe the internet is fundamental to our evolution. it is a bridge between land and mind. i believe its purpose is to teach us of the universal mind. that we are all connected, that each thought is passed through all of us (our thoughts are therefore not only ours) that we have been part of every great idea and every deplorable indiscretion. we are not alone. the internet is the beginning. the internet seems to contain every conceivable idea, truth and fiction... and so it is in each of us, acess to all knowledge is there. this why we are each buddahs, each god, not only do we hold all the answers we are all the answers.
at my most exspecially "high" moments i have seen that truth can be found in anything. that the story of the universe is waiting to be told if you look closely enough.
at my most "high" moments i have known that everything is a sign pointing to some truth.
and sometimes i would like to just sit down and pin it all down, understand it all, but truth doesnt work like that... its something you cant hold onto. like love, it flows
but this is me, this kind of stuff is what i live for, it is how i live, and i hope one day to be a lot better at it.
i love spotting "coincidences". just the other day rich was reading to me about why the sky is blue (because light passing through anything get absorbed or reflected, the wavelength that is reflected is the color our eyes perceive.. im pretty sure thats right :). The next day i heard this on the radio and later when picking up a pyschology book i randomly opened this page.
when this happens with such small things i wonder, what is going on right now? what is the meaning of these "coincidences"? is this a particularly powerfull time for me?
now if only i listened to myself.
but with all the selves i possess its hard to know which one is telling the truth... however i do feel that in the trials of the last few years i have become closer to the one that is true and speak from this place more.
i read somewhere that there are 3 different selves:
1. the observer self:
a self that watches rather than engages in the dramas of the mind. notices the difference between the other two selves and can be used to find clarity and step back
2. the higher self:
infinitly wise, inspiring and positive
3. gremlin self
offers bad advice, puts you down, tries to lift you up through ego iniflation, contains alot of fear
the woman who wrote about these selves than goes onto to say that we are neither of these. we are somewhere, experiencing all of them. choosing which one we wish to be....
ahh well i am nicely tired now, richard is camping for the last two nights and it has been good for me to have some space from him... it can be hard to live with another. to get angry at them for no reason really. i sometimes wonder if it is worth the compromise. i have compromised too much of myself in the past. i am trying to be strong now and listen to how i truly feel.
but we have amon together and it is nice to laugh and be able to depend on his support... we shall see, either way i hope for us to continue to live together. id like to have my own room one day
a room of ones own
things like that are wonderfully alive to me. little secrets of your own. ive felt like that since i was a child and would start little notebooks wishing i had something special to write...
if anyone has read this i hope you have enjoyed it and i send a big breath and smile your way

a welcome world

I welcome you to this place and i welcome myself as well.
I only just discovered blogging. being a stay at home mom i have been feeling disconnected in more than one sense. i especially wish for a community of mothers to connect and share with (hell id settle for one). i really do feel that it is such a shame not to have this, for me and the little one.
i am hopefull that in the future i will discover and be part of a rich community.
for now though, i am thankfull to have found some really amazing womens blogs. i am inspired, i learn and i gain a feeling of having shared. it is great to be sharing with you.
here i will be honest and release what needs to be released. keep myself inspired and rejoice in the fortune of this life.

here is a little information about me (in case your as curious as i am):
i am a young mother (young for this day in age). Amon (meaning hidden one in ancient egyptien and teacher/builder in hebrew) was born 6 months ago at a beautiful and powerful home birth. i felt so strong, able to do anything. i felt reborn myself. stretching out beside him, light as a feather, seeing with new eyes, everything so big.
my mind clear! sensing without disection
oh it was amazing and i hope all woman will leave behind their fears and discover the beauty and importance of natural birth. how it prepares you for the immensity of motherhood.

(sweet surrender)

(ahhhh so good to be alive)
amon, richard (my partner and amons father) and i live in a city in ontario canada. city living for me is the pits (no finer way to disconnect i say). richard works at a okay paying outdoor retailer. we rent the top floor apartment of my dads house... oh boy eh. we feel very blessed though as we get a good price and it is a good size for us.
we have dreams of moving out west to bc and both of us want to go to school.
rich for parks and recreation (hes a outdoor enthusiast! as they say) and i hope to become a teacher for waldorf (or waldorf like) schools
well the little one sleeps and i feel like these past few hours are the longest ive had to myself in a while. thats it for now....
breath deep seek peace