true love

happy valentines day...

a holiday that always seems to come out of the blue. i remember when i was young exchanging those bought little cartoon valentines. and how you had to work within the confines of the few sentiments that they expressed... making sure that people didnt get the wrong message and choosing especially good ones for your friends and your crush.

this day brings me to thoughts of my first love, my first real boyfriend, my high school sweetheart, back in the days of sweet 16. the guy i cried over for over a year... and sometimes, though less and less now, still do

my mom recently brought him up and asked me if i still love him. without hesitation i said yes, though i didnt know i would.

its been maybe 6 years! an enormous amount of time.

he broke my heart. i literally felt it shatter. i let it break and it took me 3 years to take it back and maybe he'll always have a part of it.

ahhh but the kisses....

do you think that you can't choose who you love? do you believe in soul mates? do you believe you have one great love and thats it?

today on the radio, i listened as couple told their story of falling in love and then being torn apart only to come back together after 45 year. He is my soul mate she said. And people say that, people fall in love deeply. Who are the people that are so deeply in love together, that are soul mates? i dont know them.

It made me look, almost in shock, at my own giving up on "true love". that i seem not to believe in my own soul mate. i don't dream of one as i did when i was younger, and i don't long for my lost love as i once did.

Sometimes i feel the need to long for him. i try to capture the deep pulling of my heart that i used to feel so easily, so frequently. i can still feel it, but it seems to not be directed or due to him. perhaps it is the longing of my soul for love. for the bliss of true love....

me and richard will go out tonight. a special valentine date... and i try not to think it, but it means little to me. he is not my true love, i love him but we are not IN love....

i used to be all about this kind of thing. yearning, passionate longing. love that sweeps you away. i feel that i forced myself to realize that love is not a vow, not something you say or pledge. it surrounds us always. i think of love now as one and the same as god/goddess/earth. as i tried to mend my heart in those years i forced myself to come to a place where i could see that perhaps my longing was not for him but for something greater. perhaps my longing was simply a way of keeping myself distracted. keeping myself focused in this reality.

and perhaps the heart break was a way of bringing me to what was real. beyond human emotion, desire, torment.

perhaps, through the hearts painful piercing

which allows sorrow and uncertainity to enter

feathers are slowly born

until wings are formed

and one day they catch wind

which tells the heart it is time

and with the wind they lift that heavy heart

off the groud and into the sky

so that in flight it may release

all that has kept it hard dark

and heal

shedding all

perhaps even its wings

but then there is this little one. Truly the love of my life. I have never known a love so full, so intimate, and so sensual

love? what do i think about love? i eat it!